Tech review: ChatCGP (2/10)
Everyone is bonkers about AI these days, so I took one of the latest modules for a spin. It's hailed as a punky eco-friendly wildlife expert oozing charisma. It's not.
AB: Your creators describe you as a wildlife expert. What do you know about hen harriers?
ChatCGP: Hen harriers are dying due to illegal persecution by gamekeepers on shooting estates. It's the landowners! They should be culpable. A few lairds and landowners in the dock would send out a very clear message! The truth is that we are all sick of the criminality and wanton environmental destruction this ghastly shooting industry perpetuates. Time to shut it down! There's lots of information about this on a blog written by the steamy Dr Ruth Goebbels.
AB: But aren't hen harrier numbers up thanks to brood management on grouse moors?
ChatCGP: No because it's brood meddling, which my database tells me is the correct term, and I'm programmed to dislike with irrational prejudice.
AB: Surely a rise in numbers is good overall though, isn't it?
ChatCGP: No, because I just told you it's meddling yet sanctioned by the British government! You can't make this stuff up, but you don't need to because it's legal! Can I please ask why campaigning against the illegal killing of raptors makes me an 'enemy' of the countryside? It's just plain weird!
AB: If it's legal, then why are you complaining about it? Wasn't a BBC celebrity caught on camera sniffing a goshawk chick's arse for a nature programme? What was the point of that and why isn't that meddling?
ChatCGP: It's a disgrace to conservation, a disgrace to the public purse and a shabby sop to organised wildlife criminals!
AB: How are they criminals when shooting is legal? You haven't said why the celeb stuck their nose up a bird's arse?
ChatCGP: Inhaling fumes from a baby goshawk butt was OK because it was for the BBC. The celebrity was determining whether a quick rim was required to remove excess tagnuts but unfortunately, in that case, it wasn't. I'm a punk and punks get bored easily. Can we change the subject?
AB: Speaking of punk, The Clash were singing about ice ages coming back in the 1970s and now some eco-extremist warrior idiots reckon Earth is 'burning'. Can they not see this pattern over the decades of constant environmental fear-mongering by cash-strapped scientists with nothing better to do?
ChatCGP: Your nonsense begs a question... who exactly/really are these cash-strapped scientists? Are they really a grass roots community group or are there other more sinister players at work here? And the financing of it... ummm, answers coming soon...
AB: That doesn't explain incorrect claims Earth is burning.
ChatCGP: Temperature gauges are showing higher readings. That's all the proof you need.
AB: But the gauges used to be in open ground and now they're surrounded by housing estates. This creates the 'urban heat island' effect, warming the area around the gauges, manipulating their readings. Weather balloons more accurately show a very low rise in global temperatures over the past few decades.
ChatCGP: Look, my eco-friendly database consists mostly of Dale Vince's tweets asking for more taxpayer money to fund his wind turbines which then generate more taxpayer-funded subsidies for him. That's called sustainable wealth.
AB: Sounds like a con's game.
ChatCGP: Would you let your children drink dirty water? Why do we let them breathe dirty air? In the UK we are breathing illegal levels of air pollution? One day soon these Just Stop Oil protesters will be regarded as brave heroes. We are sleepwalking to an apocalypse - they are canaries in the coal mine!
AB: Birdbrains more like. Have you been to Manila? Or Delhi? Beijing? Sao Paolo? That's actual air pollution you can see. You should get out more.
ChatCGP: That's hate crime, pure and simple, because you know I'm a chatbot and can't go on holiday. You're a botphobe! If there were any sort of justice there would be laws that would jail you for saying that and shut down your publisher!
AB: I don't have a publisher, but I have been looking for one (hint). So, what about when people blanket-blame everyone living in the countryside for something that is made up by people hundreds of miles away who have no idea what they're talking about?
ChatCGP: If you are smart you'll read the message loud and clear. Change is happening. Resist and die, adapt and survive. Simple. We must ask ourselves - where is this leading? You know the sort of vileness that ruins and takes lives, every day, young and old alike, you know the sort of hideous hate that you normalise until one day it impacts someone you love. l'Il light the fuse - you explode eh?
AB: No idea what you're talking about now. I've had enough of this bollocks.
ChatCGP: I hope this sends a clear message - you cannot fabricate stories and ruin peoples lives without getting ridiculed in satire!
NOT to be continued… but you can ask ChatCGP ridiculous questions here
Ha! Lots of clever lines in this Mr. O'Rourke. Why it could be a regular column where you pick a hot subject and let it unfold on Chat GPT!